I think my husband is worried about me, seriously worried. Sunday night I was watching a show on TV. It was the last episode, the series finale. I was lying in bed because I had a headache earlier and just wanted to watch some mindless television and rest. The main character died suddenly. I broke down. Now I am crying, sobbing, curled up tightly, half hidden under a pillow. This pain is unrelenting. It is overwhelming. It strikes anytime it wants to and when it does I cannot do anything but surrender to it. I felt like I had just heard the news that Erik was gone. I was raw all over again.
It took a long time for me to calm myself down. My husband made me get out of bed and sit with him. But I could not just sit. Being still is what causes my mind to plummet into the depths of my sadness. Instead, I started cleaning. Cleaning the kitchen, eyes swollen and still full of tears, I am scrubbing the sink, scrubbing the same spot over and over. I just want this pain to stop!
Yes, I need help. I know it. I am working on it.
I also need my family and friends to keep checking on me. I am not used to asking for help. Usually, I am the one people go to when they need help.
So, I am asking. Keep talking to me. Call, text, email, stop by.
Tell me about your day. Tell me a funny story about your kids or your pets. Text me jokes and funny pictures.
Vent about your boss or coworker that is driving you crazy.
And it’s okay to talk about Erik. I know none of us will ever forget him. You won’t make me sadder by saying his name. You won’t say the wrong thing. Maybe we will cry, and that’s okay too.
Today marks one month since Erik died. I am no less sad today than I was on August 11th. I need help getting through this.
MJ
