I had this dream a few nights ago. It was a weird dream. I was in an old fashioned home. The rooms were painted in dark colors. There were overstuffed chairs that filled the room. This house had large, heavy, wooden doors lined with thick wooden frames.
There were a lot of doors. I kept opening them in search of the right door, in search of a way out. Like most dreams, this one seemed to weave in and out of whatever stream of thoughts there were swirling around in my head while I slept. But I do remember the doors, with their tarnished metal door knobs and old fashioned key holes. I remember having a skeleton key in my hand but it didn’t work on any of the doors, but I kept on trying.
I have been thinking about that dream since. I wondered what it meant. Perhaps it was just my overworked brain trying to find the right door to escape reality. But maybe it was my mind’s way of telling me that I needed to find the right door to leave this dark, grief-stricken room.
Most days I feel trapped in that room from my dream, with many doors around me but no real way out. The weird thing is that while I may feel stuck in my emotions, I notice that all around me life goes on.
No matter how sad or angry, lonely or scared, we are after losing someone, life goes on. My heart broke in pieces the day Erik died. I had many plans before Erik’s accident, some that included him and some just for myself. He is no longer here to be a part of it all, but I am still trying to make plans for the future. I know he would not want me to remain in that dark and sad space. He would want and encourage me to find the right door out of my grief.
One thing I did get to share with him just days before the accident is that I am going back to school. I told him of my plans to become a mental health addiction counselor. Erik said he was proud of me. He told me he thought I would be a great counselor.
In a few days, my classes will start. I wish I could continue to share this journey with him. But he is not here and life does go on. I have to keep trying to go forward. I know I will never get over Erik’s death.
Right now, I struggle every day, some days I struggle every moment. But I have to keep searching for that door out of this dark, sad, lonely room. I have to use that key and find the right door, in that room of doors. I know I am the one who holds the key that will allow my life to go on too.
MMJ
